His Dogness

Again, we have a special guest appearance from Lisa O’Donnell. This is a story that we wrote together (mostly Lisa.)

The Creepy Club

They were a gruesome bunch, the members of The Creepy Club.

There was Rocko, a rattlesnake with beady red eyes, a slithering forked tongue and, so he liked to say, enough venom to poison a small town.

There was Lady McFang, a black widow spider who said that all she had to do to make coyotes whimper was to yawn.

There was Razors, a shark who loved to flash his razor-sharp teeth and say, “My stare is so fearsome that it can stop a clock, even Big Ben.”

The members of the Creepy Club welcomed guests – if, that is, you were a buzzard, bat, roach or wasp. Cuddly animals were not allowed.

Below the skull-and-crossbones on the club’s front door was a sign that said, “KEEP OUT IF YOU ARE A CUTEY PIE.”

The Creepy Club clubhouse was a hollowed-out oak tree deep in the forest, not far from where Lenny the rabbit lived. On Thursday nights, club members and guests would get together to tell jokes, sing and dance. Hearing the laughter spilling out, Lenny would lie in his bed and think “That sounds fun.”

He wished that he could go to the club. But, with his fluffy brown fur and sweet disposition, he worried that he might be a cutey pie. When he asked MeeMaw, a squirrel known and loved by all the little creatures in the woods, she said to him: “No doubt about it, Lenny, you are a cutey pie.” The other sweet animals overheard her, and, after that, whenever Lenny hopped by, all the squirrels and rabbits and birds whistled, “There goes Cutey Pie.”

One night, he knocked on the bark outside the Creepy Club. The laughter came to a sudden stop. He heard whispers. Finally, Rocko the rattlesnake popped his head outside.

“What is it kid? You get lost?” Rocko snapped.

“Can I come in? It sounds like fun,” Lenny asked.

“With that cutey-pie face?” Rocko laughed and licked his lips with his forked tongue. “Run along before I get hungry.”

Rocko slithered back inside and told the crowd: “Listen to this, a rabbit wants in the Creepy Club!”

The sharks, spiders and roaches slapped their knees, fins or whatever and roared in laughter.

Lenny was determined, though. The next morning, he walked to the creek to practice making mean faces in the reflection of the water. He squinted. He gritted his teeth and tried to frown.

“Argh!” he tried to roar. But the way it came out, it sounded more like the squeak of a rubber duck.

MeeMaw ran over to him. “Cutey Pie, Cutey Pie did you eat a poisonous flower? You look sick.”

Lenny sighed and hopped away.

Then Lenny had a thought. That night he showed up at the Creepy Club wearing a wolf mask. Lenny banged hard and growled when he knocked on the door.

“Welcome, Wolf!” Rocko said and greeted him with a hiss. “Have a seat. Have some toadstool punch. Eaten any grandmothers lately?”

Lenny the wolf sat down to play a game of cards. A speck of dust settled in his nose and Lenny sneezed. His mask flew off.

“Oh, no! A cutey pie!” cried Lady McFang.

Rocko picked him up by the back of his neck. “But I am creepy! I am creepy,” Lenny yelled. He gritted his teeth. He squinted. He tried to growl.

Everyone laughed.

“Out you go,” said Razors and kicked Lenny out the door.

Lenny pounded on the door. “ROAR! ROAR! ROAR!” he squeaked. “I AM A MONSTROUS RABBIT AND I WILL EAT YOU ALL!” Lenny hoped they would open the door and let him back into the club. But all he heard were laughs, including a high-pitched squeal that rose above the rest of the clatter. Dejected, Lenny curled up in a soft patch of grass and fell asleep.

Later, Lenny was awakened by the sound of Razors coming out of the Creepy Club. Razors made a loud coughing sound. Lenny worried he was choking. Just as Lenny was about to leap up and help, he saw Razors reach into his mouth and pull out his razor-sharp teeth. Razors had false teeth!

“Boy, that feels better,” Razors muttered.

Razors opened a fanny pack and put the teeth inside. Looking this way and that, he pulled out a straw hat and put it on his head. Without his teeth, Razors looked like a kindly uncle, not a ferocious member of the Creepy Club.

Confused, Lenny hopped back home to his warm bed. The next morning, as he wandered the meadow, Lenny heard beautiful music coming from underneath the porch of the farmer’s house. He snuck up quietly so as not to disturb the musician.

It was a spider dressed in a pretty flowered-dress and bonnet gracefully moving six of its eight legs across the strings of a harp.

The spider began to sing: “I feel pretty. Oh so pretty. I feel pretty and witty and wise.”

The spider ended the song and laughed.

“I’ve heard that laugh,” Lenny thought. After a few seconds, he gasped. That was Lady McFang!

“Lady McFang wears pretty dresses and bonnets?” Lenny thought. “Lady McFang plays the harp? That is not creepy at all. In fact, it’s downright sweet.”

What should Lenny do with all these secrets? He would never want to get a shark angry at him, not even a shark who looked like his Uncle Harvey. And what about the other Creepy Club members? They would be so angry to learn that Lady McFang and Razors are about as creepy as a bed of purple petunias.

As he turned to hop home, he saw Mrs. Mouse up ahead. Mrs. Mouse was very old and very sweet, and Lenny liked to help her when he could. When he hopped over to see whether she needed anything, he found himself looking into the eyes of a rattlesnake.

Lenny screeched.

“Oh, don’t worry about little Rockie,” said Mrs. Mouse. “He is just helping me with my groceries.”

Lenny looked more closely, and, sure enough, the rattlesnake had his rattles hooked to a little wagon filled with bags of groceries.

Lenny looked deep into the snake’s eyes. “Rocko?” he said.

Hearing all the commotion, Lady McFang came over to see what was going on.

“Rocko?” said Lady McFang.. “What’s going on here? Don’t tell me that you’re helping out Mrs. Mouse. You know that the charter of The Creepy Club expressly forbids good deeds.”

Rocko was embarrassed until he noticed Lady McFang’s outfit. “That outfit looks mighty cutey-pie to me,” said Rocko. “I don’t hear any coyotes whimpering now.”

Lady McFang, who had forgotten what she was wearing, looked down at her dress. “Well, this is embarrassing,” she said.

Just then, it started to rain.

“Oh, dear,” said Mrs. Mouse, who was worried about catching a chill.

They heard a voice from the bushes say, “Not to worry, Mrs. Mouse. I’ll hold an umbrella over your head as you walk home.”

An umbrella appeared, followed by none other than Razors the shark.

When Razors noticed Lady McFang and Rocko looking at him, he, too, became embarrassed. “Uh-oh!” he said. “I know this doesn’t look good. But I can explain.”

It was only then that he noticed Lady McFang’s bonnet and cutey-pie dress and Rocko’s rattle hooked to the wagon of mouse groceries.

“Say, what’s going on here?” he said.

“Could it be that none of us is really creepy?” Rocko asked.

Hearing a laugh, they all turned and saw Lenny smiling.

“I think I’m going to start my own club,” said Lenny. “I’m going to call it Cutey Pies United.”

Together, Razors, Lady McFang and Rocko said, “Could we join, too?”

“You can be charter members,” said Lenny.

“I’ll be in charge of refreshments,” said Mrs. Mouse.

“You just never know how a day is going to turn out,” said Lenny as he hopped off.

When he looked back, Lady McFang was helping Rocko pull the wagon, and Razors was walking next to Mrs. Mouse, holding the umbrella over her.